„Dance on the wire“ with despair & helplessness

"Dance on the wire" with despair & helplessness

A Long time ago, i felt that i had no controll or power to change a thing that happened in my life.

I couldnt stopp my parents from being unhappy, from fighting, threatening and this fearfull environment from which i had no was to escape Made me feel Even More helpless.

I tried adapting and handeling the Emotions of my parents as Good as i could, but it Made me loos myself and my energy. I learned false believes like „i am responsible for everyone“.

After a few hard years of mobbing in school, i felt helpless lots of times. I stopped being active. I felt like my body wasn’t capable to handle my „emotional weight“ anymore.

Watching TV was my favorite hobby for a long time, still is – but now i try to be more aware of my thoughts and this total exhausting numbness that it caused me.

So as my emotions were weighting me down, it felt like there is nowhere to escape from „Home“ – as there wasn’t much energy left for it anyway. So till teenage age i surrendered myself completely to despair & helplessness.

Ist felt like every cell in my body was filled with it.

As a child it really was my „reality“- still makes me sad to think about it.

Even so all my life felt like living in survival mode, I am happy i still found the energy to take risks, to have courage and to try new scary stuff. That „mysterious“ inner motivation helped me a lot to finish my education despite all the anxiety & despair within me.

I took the chance and tried my best to escape „home“ when reaching adulthood, but the price I paid was very high.

I was stuck in a co-depended relationship for far too long. All this submissive behavior I got myself into and all the hurt by betrayal that he caused me and I caused him in return – was completely insane.

I dont think it was a coincidence that this first relationship reminded me a lot of my parents broken relation and/or my fathers mortified behavior towards me . So the whole thing got myself even more into a feeling of despair, fear and helplessness. Life was most of the time about fear, still sometimes i felt like a inner calling for a second that reminded be that there is more to me than one big feeling.

In my late 20‘s when I was finally brave enough, because my despairation reached a level beyond anything imaginable, I moved away from all that caused me pain – found a „new home“.

The start without a safety net was hard, but that’s when my healing was about to start. With about 27 years I couldn’t handle my panic attacks anymore and stopped functioning -no wonder i got hit by a depression.

When I thought I knew despair well by now, it felt even worse cause I got in touch with all the deep hitten painful emotions & thoughts inside me.

I needed everyone of my four periods of depression, even if each of them took away a half year of my precious life!

I was stuck in adapting, pleasing others, surpressing my feelings, controlling anything and not knowing who I am!

I got more and more interested in personal development and my knowledge as well as therapy and coaching luckily helped me to get my head slightly out of the clouds of fear.

I discovered lots of tools & techniques that helped me to get to know me but by far the most effective is zen-based mindfullness.

It helped me to free myself of some layers of mud to finally be the  Lotus I am about to become.

I wanted to tell you about my story, so you see for yourself even within the darkest fear which was my reality, you can grow and find the love & potential you always have been again – even if it takes a while.

I learned that everytime I learned a lesson there is still a new one coming, cause I am still very suceptible when it comes to fear.

Learning how inner freedom, self-awareness and compassion feels, mainly due to Meditation & Mindfullness, opened up my heart again to make me experience love again.

First of all I am working on feeling unconditional love towards myself 💖, than I can than deeply connect with others again – better late than never 🙏🏻.

It’s a process of growth which took me 15 years…still running.

The hardest part definitely was the last five years, starting with a tough pregnancy and lots of serious health-emergencies for my son,myself and now my husband.

I am still overwhelmed sometimes cause old despair & helplessness of my inner child is trying to catch up, but it got a lot better when practicing Mindfullness & Meditation every day. It’s so worth the effort!

I am so absolutely grateful to have found all this new perspectives that help me stay open-hearted and centered.

This years with Corona, I have to say, despair & helplessness got „reality“ for me again. 

Not the virus itself, but the vaccine turned out to be our nightmare cause my husband is affected by the sideeffects strongly and can’t work since month.

Also the Chance for him to recover completely seems to fade, at least doctors lost hope, we are still fighting for him.

Well…we find other doctors, I am sick of the classical „medicin“ anyway!

Only holistic approaches are helpful when it comes to destroyed nerves!

This uncertainty for him to get better again, to lead a „normal“ life and to be able to work his job again, is painful for him.

Being an empath is currently not of advantage to me, as I feel his feelings and mine – combined they are strong.

So my dance with helplessness & despair reached another level, far more real and concious!

I am glad that Meditation, compassion, Mind- and Bodywork helps me to be able to get in touch with my emotions currently – so  I don’t feel squezzed to a wall.

Being able to feel again, not all at once but but by bit helps to see the sliver lining and to not dive completely into numbness & despair again.

I am proud to have come so far, my resilience has been build up quite a bit within the last five years – so even if I might get depressed again I still see that Mindfullness helped me to be with all my heart.

Even if my life currently realistically is a dance on the wire rope, I am happy to be aware of all I am – love & fear❣️

Uncertainty really is the biggest challenge of our times, it triggers thousands of old & new fears. Therefore the most effective training to learn to cope with it, is lots of compassion for yourself when learning „being in here & now“!

Always remember especially when you seem to be filled up by fear: there is always love in every cell of your body!

Your are pure love!

You are conceived in love!

You will be love forever!

Hope that little story of mine helps you see that:

🌸your not alone with your feelings of fear, despair and total helplessness 

🌸you can heal/recover from it, within your own time

🌸Mindfullness is worth a try 

🌸there might be fear within you but there is also always love inside of you!

From the heart💖,